Back to School Reflections

“So, how is school going?”

I hear this question a lot.

And I still don’t think I’ve come up with the right answer.

“It’s…good!”, I stammer. Or I’ll say: “It’s challenging, but I’m getting used to it.”

Honestly, I’m not always sure of the answer. I think I still don’t know how I feel about it. So, I’m taking the time to pause. To process it. To reflect back on the past year and decide, at least for this present moment, how I feel about going back to school.

Ever since I quit my job as a mental health therapist to pursue my PhD full-time, I’ve been adjusting to changes. Changes in scenery (I commute an hour both ways), changes in routine (I wake up, eat, and sleep at different times each day), changes in schedule (It’s different every semester), and changes in my self-perception (I’m just a student now; I have no other title to hide behind). I miss having the option of a paid sick day and I miss my employee benefits package. I live under a constant umbrella of due dates and practicum hours and research tasks that haunt me, even on my days off. I live my school days out of a backpack (a trendy one, I will admit) and with constant dependance on my planner (old-school paper copy and proud of it!). I always feel like I am counting down: to the weekend, to the end of the semester, to the end of the school year, to graduation.

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Photo by Krzysztof Puszczynski, Creative Commons

And I feel a few other things too. Like, that I’m old. After graduating from college early, I got used to being the youngest person in my masters program and the youngest person at my first “real” job. Now, since I worked for a few years in between going back to school, I’m one of the oldest people in my class. It’s weird to adjust to–like I’m behind or I missed something or I should know everything already and then I’m embarrassed when I don’t seem to know much at all.

I also struggle with this strange cognitive dissonance between feeling incredibly smart when talking to people outside of school because my brain is constantly stimulated with new thoughts and ideas and then feeling regularly humbled when I am interacting with advanced students and faculty because I realize how much I still have to learn. It’s also very important to me to actually still live my life and not just live “in limbo” until I graduate and make “real” money and start my “real career.” I do this by hosting parties, being involved in my community, and celebrating milestones with my friends, but it’s still hard sometimes when I realize there are still so many things that are being held off until I graduate–important things like moving, big vacations, buying a house, and having a baby.

But there are fun things, too. Like random 2pm lunches when Husband and I both happen to be home at the same time or surprise naps when a client cancels our appointment and this fascinating idea that I am somehow involved in a great adventure that only 1% of the population gets to experience. And I get a break from the constant emotional drain of having a full case load. And I get 3 weeks off at Christmas, so that’s cool. πŸ™‚

In summary: school is hard. And different than anything else I’ve experienced. But I wouldn’t trade it for my old job or any other job right nowΒ because it’s also kind of cool. So, I keep chugging along. I plod through research and statistics and group presentations–all with the hope that I will someday use this knowledge to make a little bit of difference in a world that is fractured by a mental health crisis. And I want those extra letters after my name.

And that is how school is going. For now.

Lindsay Sig

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29 comments on ““So, how is school going?”

  1. That’s awesome you’re back in school! Good for you!!!

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  2. Hahaha!! Three cheers for you! I went through 6 years of my husband’s graduate school (IU, Bloomington–and I’m a Boilermaker!!) with three small children in tow (the youngest was under a year when we started!) You can DO this!

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  3. Appreciate the honesty, and certainly know the feeling! I’m sure there will be a transition period when you graduate and return to non-student life, too. But you’ll get there!

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  4. Holy cow… I can relate to this perfectly. I’m almost 30, and went back to school just a few years ago. It’s such a battle. I love learning, and I love exploring who I am, but it can be so discouraging being surrounded by people who are so much younger than me.We’ve totally got this though! I’m sure you’re knowledge will make a big difference in the world. Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Enjoy your student moment, you will miss it when you are graduated i mean it πŸ™‚

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  6. Really brave thing to do – I think it’s something that will become more popular, now our working lives are so long !

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  7. My response to that question has always been “it’s going”. Lol. Come to think of it, I should now add the Dory jingle “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”. Haha

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  8. I think it’s awesome that you are pursuing something that most people would not have the opportunity or ability to do. Think of it this way….would your older self look back with regret if you had not gone back to school….I think you are probably exactly where you need to be.

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  9. Awesome! Needs guts to go back to school. You will get all those extra letters after your name soon enough! And you will make a difference to a lot of lives you touch. Stay the course.

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  10. Sounds like you have the attitude to succeed!

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  11. Love your transparency. I am probably older than you and I am still in my Masters portion of becoming a mental health counselor and still considering the PhD option. So I totally can relate to this post. I also completely understand the feeling of counting down to the weekend and semester, etc. As hard as it all may seem to you, from what I see you handle it well and from what you share with us, there is a beauty in you and in your journey. Thank you for sharing.

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  12. Great post!! I am also a PhD student by day and blogger by night. Thanks for the honest thoughts on life as a student. I love this line from you – “It’s also very important to me to actually still live my life.” AGREED! Jessy

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  13. Totally relatable and well put.
    U should check out our new blog
    The fault in our school

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